Maybe I'm Too Autistic To Understand This

It bothers me when men I don't know ask me for my # and they're surprised I am uncomfortable with strangers asking me for person details

Photo by Luke Jones on Unsplash

This is the one thing I will never understand, maybe because I am autistic. Its when men ask for my # when I don’t know them. When I politely said I don’t give my # to people I do not know personally, they won’t take it or leave it.

In 2022, I talked about a dude I met at the eatery. He asked for my # and wouldn’t leave me alone until he got it when I said I only give my number to people I know or have seen enough. Most autistic people may struggle with non-verbal cues and we’ll have no idea you are flirting/interested in us and will assume you’re just being friendly, that was the case with this dude. He would not leave me alone when I said I don’t give out my #. Why can’t dudes learn to take the L? If someone doesn’t want to give their number to someone they don’t know, respect that.

If the person tells you they only give their number out to people they know personally, before you get so confused look at it this way.

Imagine being flagged down, someone you don’t know asking you for your phone number. You are uncomfortable giving your number to strangers because you don’t know everyone’s intentions. It’s one thing if you went to school together, ya’ll know each other, its been a while. It’s another thing when a stranger is asking you for your number.

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Now I stopped because I thought a train was coming. It pulled out of the yard a bit and dimmed its lights. While walking to my spot, this dude stops me and asks me if I am married. When I said no, guess what he asked? My number. When I said I did not give it out, he was surprised. Maybe I am too autistic to understand why dudes act so shocked someone is uncomfortable with STRANGERS asking them for their number. I prefer a messenger app where you need my email to add me rather than giving my number to someone who could be a covert creep or abuser. I want to know what I am getting into. I don’t want a repeat of that guy who called me in the middle of the night to beg me for sex.

I didn’t know sex was his intention, I just found it mighty sus when he was so gung ho that I had to come to his house. When you ask your friends if they can come over, they say “Sorry I’m busy” You tell them you will talk to them later and that’s it. I found it sus he picked the most inconvenient time and was shocked I couldn’t come over. You would think something happened like his house caught on fire, he was stranded somewhere because his car broke down/ran out of gas maybe I could call a tow truck or his family on his behalf, etc. No, he’s acting like he's in urgent need of sex, If he has to beg women to sleep with him, does he deserve it?

He claimed he wanted to do something before he died. Now most folks might want to skydive or climb a mountain before they die. Travel etc.

He seemed shaken by people dying. He wanted to get me knocked up and have a baby before he died. Why potentially put yourself in that spot because the baby could die before it’s born? Then he is just reliving the trauma again.

That was disrespectful because he never asked me what I wanted. You made all of these plans when I had no say. What if it was someone infertile or pregnancy is dangerous for them? He needs to be trained in healthier methods, because begging someone you barely know for sex isn’t it, chief. Even if you know them, it still comes off as desperate.

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The guy who stopped me when I was checking for trains, blew his chance with me when he asked me why I didn’t want to have sex. In case you didn’t know. I am asexual. I’m on the spectrum where I have no desire for a sexual relationship. I don’t know a good cover if I do not know the person’s stance. I will not play with you. “you might change your mind” “I can fix that” etc. I am not having that.

I am also demiromantic. it is like demisexual but I have to build a bond for romantic feelings instead of sexual. Maybe that’s why dudes instantly liking you when they don’t even know your favorite color doesn’t add up to me.

Even if I wasn’t ace, that’s a hard boundary. I don’t owe an explanation as to why I don’t want sex. Asexual or not. The guy could have taken it or left it. just said “OK”

For someone, it could be personal. Eg PTSD from being sexually assaulted.

That’s another thing I am probably too autistic to understand. Why can’t we respect someone’s boundaries? If they have a boundary, let them express it, no questions asked. If you want sex that badly, find someone who wants it instead of trying to convince me or “fix” me. Why do we base how much you love your partner on whether or not you want to sleep with them? Marriage isn’t enough? Or even thinking about getting married etc? What if they’re disabled and cannot have sex? You’re just gonna leave them because you think sex is the only way to love someone? Btw I wanna add everyone is different, some disabled people cannot have sex, and some can. it depends on that person.

The same with not wanting kids. Not everyone wants to go through pregnancy and childbirth. Some of us like the freedom of being child-free. I do. I enjoy getting to sleep as late as I want, I don’t have to worry about watching a kid like a hawk at the store. My ADHD/autistic brain is already overwhelmed. Being child-free doesn’t mean you hate kids. I just would not be a good parent. A kid having a shitty parent is selfish.

I follow a child-free creator on TikTok and people always tell her she’s going to be miserable because she doesn’t have kids yet she has the money to travel.

To me, begging a woman/AFAB person for their number, even if they tell you they’re not interested or don’t give it to strangers, sounds desperate. Dudes don’t want to work up the relationship and MAYBE the person will be more comfortable giving out their number.

I feel I am just too autistic to understand. If I don’t want to give my number to people I don’t know, why can’t they respect that instead of insisting? If I don’t want sex, why can’t they respect that and leave it instead of “But Why”

If they want to share, they will follow with “I don’t want kids because of X”

Also, stop saying they will change their mind. If they were, they would say “RIGHT NOW I don’t want kids because I don’t have enough room to accommodate a baby. I hope in the future I can move up in my career, move into a bigger house to accommodate, etc.”

I feel that since that guy called me in the middle of the night to beg me for sex and told me he wanted kids when I don’t want kids, made me put the guard rails up and assume all guys are like him. You can say “But I am not like that. I know you don’t owe me sex. Want it? Cool, ya don’t? Also cool” How do I know that?

Now I wanna add, that I struggle to pick up on cues, I did not factor in his desperation for me to come over meant he wanted to have sex. It wasn’t until he outright said it. I just found it mightily odd. You can’t pick the most inconvenient time to ask someone to go to your house and then be surprised that they can’t.

I felt his not having social media should have been a red flag. Before you say “But Jazz, some people don’t use social media.” Hear me out? He said he did music. Do you know how competitive the industry is? Would you be interested in someone you can easily access their content, whether it be Instagram, TikTok, Spotify, etc, or someone you have to go on a treasure hunt to find? You would have to go on a treasure hunt to find this guy. He has no social media to link his Spotify, Soundcloud, etc.